The KabuSaku Guide: Trapped In A Cave
by Ashi Ruby
Summary: WARNING: When trapped in a cave, these steps may not help save your life. They will, however, cause extreme embarrassment, awkward situations, and eye-scaring images. Follow at your own risk.


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Author's Note: I'm so bored...fanfiction away! -whoosh- Time to so embarrass my favorite pairing...-evil grin-

The KabuSaku Guide: Trapped In A Cave

When you are trapped in a cave, these steps may help you deal with the situation:

**Step One – Spread The Blame**

"This is all your freaking fault! If you didn't decide you wanted to fight in an AVALANCHE zone, we wouldn't be trapped here!"

"Ah, but who was the one that decided to use a chakra-infused fist to punch the other, knowing that they would more than likely miss and otherwise hit the ground, knowing they were in an avalanche zone?"

"...I hate you."

"I believe that is was people call ownage."

"Shut up four-eyes."

**Step Two – Make A Fire Out Of Two Candles and Dead Leaves**

"You know...that's not going to last long."

"And you have a better idea? Tell me, genius, do you see any bark in this freaking cave?"

"...Smartass."

"I believe that is was people call ownage."

"...Shut up pinky."

**Step Three – Eat Crushed Cereal At The Bottom Of A Knapsack For Who Knows How Long**

"I hate cereal."

"Well it's either that or rocks."

"...I'll eat the cereal. At least it's not freaking tomatoes."

**Step Four – When The Fire Dies Out, Light The Candles Again...With Dry Matches**

"Hey, don't look at me! Do you really think I carry matches with me at random."

"It was a hope...come on you damn match, spark already!"

"It's a freaking wet match. It's not going to spark."

"UGH! EVIL MATCH! YOU'RE JUST LIKE THAT STUPID WOODPECKER! EVIL!"

"And that deals with the situation at hand...how?"

"...Shut up four-eyes."

**Step Five – Preserve Body Heat When All Methods Of Relighting The Candles Fail**

"I'm not enjoying this."

"And you think I am? I rather cuddle up against Lee or Gai-sensei than with you."

"...That statement just scared me."

"Could've said worst, trust me."

"Please don't."

**Step Six – Remember To Remove Any Wet Clothing Before Moving Closer**

"Wow, you actually have breasts."

"Pervert!"

"Oh please. Like I would be interested."

"Still a pervert."

"I'm sure it's mutual."

"What the hell does that mean?!"

"I'm sure you've stared at the assets of other guys before."

"Only during an examination! This is totally different!"

"Mmhmm."

"Just shut up."

"All right, whatever you say."

"Good."

"...A-cup?"

"Ugh, pervert!"

**Step Seven – If Available, Use A Blanket To Help Preserve Body Heat**

"Stop stealing the blanket!"

"My back is cold."

"Well, so is mine you idiot!"

"Such harsh names."

"Don't care. Just give me back part of the blanket."

"Don't care."

"Damn it four-eyes, it's my freaking blanket!"

"Well duh. I wouldn't have something with pink polka-dots on it."

"Really? You seem like the type."

"...Ignoring that."

**Step Eight – Hugging Makes People Feel Loved AND Warm**

"Spider, spider! Kill it, kill it!"

"Ack, stop choking me!"

"Kill it, kill it, kill it! Eep, it's coming closer!"

"And you call yourself a ninja. And will you stop choking me?!"

"Eek! Evil spider!"

"...Why did I have to get stuck in a cave with you?"

**Step Nine – Try Not To Fall Asleep**

"...Pancakes, mhmp...with syrup."

"Uh, four-eyes? Don't fall asleep."

"Donuts sound good, Mommy..."

"...Do you even have a mom?"

"Your breasts are smaller than usual..."

"Pervert! Let go of my chest!"

"Ow! What the hell was that for?!"

"You were falling asleep."

**Step Ten – Movement Keeps The Bloodstream Going, So Make Sure To Move Around When Able**

"Will you stop that? It's very uncomfortable!"

"Well sorry that I'm trying to keep my blood flowing!"

"...I was meaning for another reason, pinky."

"What? What the hell...oh. Eep!"

"You're a medic. This should be something you're used to deal with."

"Yeah, but only during examinations! This is not a freaking examination! Now will you please turn around so I don't feel THAT jabbing into me the rest of the night?"

"You know...this is perfect torment."

"Just turn around! Gah!"

"Oh, I'm sure you don't mind this THAT much."

"Ugh! Sick pervert!"

"Sakura-chan? Finally found you! And who's a sick pervert? OH KAMI! I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THAT! AUGH, MY EYES!"

**Step Eleven – When Caught Almost Naked With The Enemy While He/She Is Dealing With A Personal Problem, It Always Helps To Tell The Truth**

"It's very cold, Naruto. Being in the cold does things to you."

"Obviously. Ugh, my virgin eyes! Well...let's get you out of here and back to Konoha. Ugh...it's going to be a LONG time before that image can be erase from my mind..."

_**WARNING: When trapped in a cave, these steps may not help save your life.**_

_**They will, however, cause extreme embarrassment, awkward situations, and eye-scaring images.**_

**_Follow at your own risk.

* * *

_**

This is beyond the most hilarious, perverted story I've ever written. I was laughing the entire time I was writing it. Ah, that was so much fun! Hope you enjoyed it!

And the part with the evil woodpecker deals with the evil, anti-social woodpecker I spent three days trying to take a picture of it. -still hates that bird- But I at least got the darned picture!


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